Dear church folk, what is going on?

Am I losing my religion?

As someone who has grown up in church, having the fear of God put upon me, and being a water baptized/tongue speaking saint; church has really been a turnoff for me in my adulthood. Why? Most of my loved ones are heavily immersed in church and dogma. So much so, that we used have bible studies/sermonic gatherings in addition to regular church attendance. As we gather, everything started and ended with Jesus. The paradox for me is that as immersed in religion we were, I didn't always see Jesus. In that I mean we don't talk about things that have caused conflict, we adopted a tribalistic approach to misunderstandings (us vs them), and we completely lacked  trust to be able to work through discourse. How is that of God?

I have always been the outspoken one. Because of that, (among other things) I felt like the black sheep in the family. I was always discouraged from speaking issues of the heart for fear that it may not be taken well or it would be inappropriate. However, I feel that allowing issues to fester lead to wounds that feel insurmountable to heal from. We are quick to gather together in His name, but for our real life contentions, the expectation is to ignore it. Otherwise you'd be deemed as a troublemaker or disrespectful. But is that really the will of God?

For that, I searched scripture to find out. 2 Timothy 2:24-26 says:

And the Lord’s servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to knowledge of the truth, and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, after being captured by him to do his will.

From this I gathered that loving discussion is welcomed in the sight of God. Although the Bible tends to be left up to different interpretations, I do believe that open communication is so important in godly love relationships. But why is it that most I know that are of faith are discouraged by such exchanges? I'm open to being wrong and to correction. I think that is evidence of real care and concern within a relationship. But how can one move forward in Christ without possessing a passion for better understanding of people. Does religion require this head in the sand tactic? Must one be so immersed in The Word that we defer solely to it the moment a heart to heart is requested?

For me, in our humanness, I desire some understanding when conflicts arise. Because we are human, I understand trespasses are going to happen. I am at place in my spiritual refinement that I'm the first one to go ask for forgiveness the moment I realize my wrongdoing. Thankfully, in my walk, I can realize and pursue this fairly quickly. For me, that is the best residual of being of faith and having a real relationship with God; to be of service and humility to others. However, to be so staunch in your position and knowledge of the gospel that you are unwilling to understand or even receive anybody else's perspective, is that really a reflection of God or self?

It feels like for me, the state of the church as I knew it is one of projecting an image. Whether that is one of holiness, one of perfection, or a practice of class-ism/superiority; it feels like the most that I love who are in Christ operate from an egocentric place. They won't engage in any conversation or address any issue that isn't Biblical based because it is beneath them. How is that really healing hearts or pointing those in need to Christ? Is that what ministry is? I love the process of fine-tuning within a spiritual walk. I understand that church can be an essential component in that process. But in this age, I'm wondering if Christians believe that promoting a connection to God requires disconnecting us from each other. Is church now the ministry of the great pretenders? Because when it comes to being in the embrace of spiritual community, I've been left to fend for myself.

What are your thoughts?